Experiments and revisiting old work

so... still searching out different things. found a suggestion of going 3/5/3.

Japanese inherently has more syllables than English. which means that most of the words have more syllables than English words. I'm finding the demands to pare down are more rewarding, although I still don't feel like they have all that I would like in a haiku.

I took a walk and tried the "20 shells" technique I read of today. essentially, you go somewhere and write a haiku of something you observe. then another... just go into it without thinking too much... then another... and so on until you have 20 poems.

these are the best of those, with some notes, and some other pieces:

old folks' home
smiles looking out
at the snow (1)

cold sunset
dark going up to light
sycamores

pink post-it
blowing down the street
with dry leaves (2)

turned up earth
among the dead leaves
--happy squireel

dusty jars
of tomatoes
...still red

winter stew--
the garden was good
this year

winter stew--
beginning to plan
new garden

one paw
cat turns back
from door

aspen leaf
still golden
in blue ice



not all of these came from the walk, obviously.

1. it wasn't snowing, but i did go by an assisted living facility nearby and my imagination took over. I like the contrast of the warm smiles and the cold snow... and when anyone smiles looking at snow, I think they have a child's smile, so there is also the contrast of young and old.

2. again, it's the contrast. the post-it will always be an unnaturally bright color, unless it fades from sun or gets covered with mud. the leaves, on the other hand, are not as interesting to see, but they are part of the natural world.

REVISIT:

winter churchyard:
everything snow-covered
but one, small grave

don't know why I've been thinking of this one, but I have. i think this really captures the "haiku moment" as it's called. I think of the moment as a single flash of an image that should make the reader think a way into the poem.

in some ways, it may be the best haiku i've written. i think it captures the moment, but i still want to "streamline" it a little.

the image is very straightforward to me: probably a country setting, since that's where one would find a proper "churchyard," covered in snow. but the last detail sort of "zooms in" on one part of the scene. my hope is that it invites the reader to think about what has happened.

anyway... that's been on my mind, probably because i think it's pretty successful and i want to find that success with fewer syllables.

cheers!

experiments

I read a suggestion that to write haiku inEnglish in a manner more similar to Japanese haiku, the syllable count should probably be more like 2/3/2, so I've been trying it. Admittedly, it's only been one day of trying it, and I can see some merit in it -- it concentrates the image at the same time it leaves it more suggestive. I don't feel like I've really "broken through" to finding strong poems out of it, but I'm willing to share what I've done so far...

cold wind --
seeing you...
lip balm

twilight --
my curtain
open

squirrel drops
birdfeeder
flutters

streetlight
flickers on
bare tree

headlights
neighbor's dog
watching

And one inspired by my friend Shonda:

my desk
paper cranes
only ten

bare tree-tops
blending into the dark sky ...
twilight... ending...



a still winter night
the moon looks frozen
in the fog



even in winter
honysuckle bush quivers
with sparrows



winter sunrise..
treetop has only birds
in the first light



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Got a lovely e-card from a friend that was about the hope that spring can bring... needing the hope right now, needing the spring.

So, I ordered these to move from cold and dark to the hope of light returning, of warmth and possibility.

From Recent Walks

brown grass city lot
dotted with crows closing eyes
against the cold wind

watching my breath
blow ahead of me
...and disappear

coming in from snow
just the smell of bread baking
warms my toes

winter winds blow
the smell of woodsmoke to me...
and take it away....

no snow today
no sun
just birdsongs

birds all chatter
around the feeder
until the dog comes out

New Year's Day...
panhandler has as much luck
as i do

lying in park grass
trying not to think
about dogs

(okay, so the last one is out of season, but it amused me)

some experiments in form

a few things i've been working on... not completely happy with any of them

you do not
want me to stay...
winter solstice

winter sunlight
is so thin
trees seem more naked

sudden warmth...
eyes meet over the fire...
solstice night

winter solstice...
the night seems longer
without him

true words
but wrong
i walk into the night
kicking at dead leaves

the longest night~
howling winds emphasize
the point

New Year ~ Staying In

Staying In

in my sweats...
inside of my eyelids...
poking through the fridge...


one crow
then more
and suddenly the air
filled with their caws


a flock of crows turns
against purple sunset clouds...
another haiku